cordeliasmarz

I made some gifs from the "horsing around" video ^_^

No further explanation needed.

Well, just in case:



OK. Here they are :)

Use them as you wish my lovelies!


"I'm going to die" - Oh, how I love you Katie.



One of the most adorable things I have ever seen:



Colin's adorkable tumbleweed moment:









All together now, "AWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

Since I discovered the Merlin fandom in November I've been finding things to laugh about every day.

I'd been watching the show since it first came on TV and my sister and I would giggle at the homoerotic subtext but since I found all the Merlin fans online I've enjoyed the show a million times more!

There are so many wonderful people contributing to this community, creating such fantastic work.  Fiction, art, recaps, picspams, ridiculous random posts of randomness....  It's such an amazing place to be a part of   ^_^

Merlin fans really are the best.

 I'm sick of the way my illness affects my mind and stops me from being able to think properly.

I've decided I'm going to really make a go of this and become an exercise fiend.  Exercise isn't the only thing that'll make me well but I've hardly been doing anything lately and it's definitely going to make me feel better at least.  I'm going to be super-healthy too.  Although I've been healthy food-wise for a while.  My diet/allergies mean I have to eat healthy pretty much anyway.

I've been really rubbish these last couple of weeks.  I've been going back to my sleeping during the day and staying up at night.  And I still haven't been to school even though I would be going to just my Photography lessons.  I got a lovely amazing inspiring e-mail from my English teacher when I first told her about my plans for coming back next year for English so there shouldn't be any reason for me not to go in.  Not really.


This is a really odd way to be structuring this post but it's 5 am and I can't be bothered for conventions right now.  Basically I added titles for bits I wrote that I couldn't find a way of explaining otherwise.  Then I just continued with the titles.  And now it sort of makes sense.

Things to be proud of myself about right now

On Saturday night my friend Jess had a house party for her 18th and I went even though I'm really awkward in situations like that and I haven't really left the house for social occasions/gatherings/whatever very much in the past few months/arguably last couple of YEARS if I'm honest.  Plus I don't drink and I hardly knew anyone who was going to be at the party.

History of my friendship with Jess that will eventually explain why I didn't know anyone at her party

I've been really good friends with Jess for a long time - she'd been friends with one of my best friends Steph since they were little so Steph introduced us then a few months later Jess and I were put in the same form group in our first year at secondary school/college (two facts: we were 11 + Steph didn't go to the same college as us and we eventually kind of lost touch) and the rest is history!  *jolly laugh*  Actually, I probably should continue explaining seeing as I've bothered to start this story at all.  So basically Jess and I were best friends in a group of other best friends and the only person in that group who's still in my "best friends" group right now is Louise.  OK, so a lot of us drifted apart and Jess and I joined new groups of friends as you do but Jess and I still stayed in touch but whenever we went out, it was just the two of us going to the cinema or her house.  So now I often talk to her and see her but my group of friends aren't really close to her and I'm not really close with any of her friends.  So this is why I went to Jess's party not knowing anyone.

What happened at the party and a continuation of why I'm proud of myself

I met Ollie.  He's Jess's boyfriend and I've been talking to him on Facebook for over a year so it's very silly that we still hadn't met until Saturday.  I first started talking to him when I commented on a status he'd written about comics (I can't remember the details but I'm pretty proud that I've remembered this much so..).  From there we talked about our interests and lives and Jess and all stuff that was.. fun I guess?  I don't know.  Basically we became friends and it was a really big deal to meet him at last.  We'd arranged to meet up quite a few times but they'd never worked out due to.. various reasons.  A lot of them relating to me being ill >:|

Anyway, he's just how I imagined he'd be.  And I was so pleased.  He's brilliant.

I also met a girl called Ellen who I talk to quite a bit on Facebook too but had never met.  We don't talk too much but comment a lot on each other's statuses and things and she's really nice and funny.  It was great meeting her - she's even better in real life.  Well, not better - I just didn't really know her and now I do I really like her :)

Back to how I'm going to be awesome from now on because I'm sick of being and feeling BLEURGH

I can't write like I used to.

I keep on trying to write and I just can't.  Well, I can write this *points at screen* kind of rambley LJ post thing and I can talk to people on Facebook but I can't write proper stories and things.  It's frustrating.  I used to be able to write really well and I keep getting scared I'm just not good and have lost my "talent".  I'm not being boastful here like "I used to be so good.  WOW.  I amazed even myself" - I'm not like that.  It's just that writing has always been "my thing".  I've won prizes for it and I used to always write little stories and.. I just used to be really creative.  And I'm scared I've lost this ability.  To be an author/writer of some kind is all I've ever really consistently wanted so it's worrying that I can't write like I know I used to be able to.

So I think/desperately hope it's my illness that's hindering my writing.  Because the doctors have said that one of the symptoms for Candida is "foggy brain, lack of concentration" etc. etc. - lots of things that I notice I do experience.  So I think that once I'm better I'll be able to write again.

So I really really want to properly try to get better.  Do loads of exercise.  Eat right.

Oh, that reminds me.  When I was talking to Ollie at Jess's we were talking about anti-depressants (no clue why - our conversations are usually quite silly) and he said he used to be on Prozac and they had side effects that made him have hardly any appetite so he lost loads of weight but when he stopped taking it he put on weight again.  So I was saying that I have that too and I'm never hungry anymore.

I really love Ollie.  I don't fancy him or anything thank GOD since he's going out with Jess but I do really love him.

By the time I left Jess's (at midnight - when the party ended - I even stayed late!!  *pats self on back* - I mean, most people went into town to go clubbing etc. after but seeing as I a) hate clubs and b) live down the road from Jess's and c) all the reasons I've mentioned before about my being A RECLUSE, I went home after the party) I was feeling SO MUCH LOVE.  Everyone there was so nice and funny and great.  There were quite a few people from my old primary school there who I hadn't spoken to since we left!  It was so weird seeing everyone "grown up" :D

Anyway, I'm going to round this off now seeing as it's nearly 6 am!!

I'm still not sure if I'll go into school today...

I might stay awake now, have a bath, go on the cross-trainer, go for a walk, take some photos... spend the day at home doing positive things.  Then I can go to school tomorrow.

*grins*

YES.  Brilliant.  I'm feeling so good about this.

Right.  I'm finished now :D
 

I nearly just had a heart attack when I realised the Merlin/Arthur love could TOTALLY be canon!! I feel like I'm wayy late to the party in this realisation but still.

OK so Arthur marries Gwen.

They have a son (heir).

Gwen runs off with Lancelot.

Arthur and Merlin admit their love for each other and go on to spend the rest of their lives together!!!!!!!

If this doesn't happen then I don't know what's wrong with the world.



My editing skills know no bounds.

Re: the several shades of failure my life appears to consist of.

Today I managed to spill an entire tray of pie and yoghurt all over the floor/my bag then, mere hours later, knock the ceramic soap dispenser off the basin, smashing/exploding it and causing a great deal of mess all over the floor.

*pats self on back*

I think I'm actually getting even clumsier with age.  Which is quite something.  YAY FOR ME.

Too busy crushing on the Vanity Fair 'New Hollywood' cover to sleep right now. Carey Mulligan, be mine? Y/Y?

Kristen "VD" Steward GTFO before I make you - how DARE you be in the presence of such beautiful people?  You sully the good Mulligan name! - almost.  It'll take more than trash like you to besmirch my darling Carey.

(I couldn't resist)

Saw ravenflight21 's first - don't know who started it though (♥ to whoever did)

Let’s make a magical wave throughout LJ.
When you see this entry, post a picture of the show to your own journal.

  

...

I posted two because I obviously had to have a Merlin/Arthur one but lately I've been loving Gwen so had to put one of her in too :D

I love Merlin and Arthur walking together, side by side *sigh*

(Clicky for bigger versions)

Credit to Merlin's Keep for the photos ^_^

I just realised that I haven't done a post yet on this beautiful specimen of a man:



Alastair Postlethwaite* from 'So You Think You Can Dance'.  God.  He's a ballerina farmer and he is adorable! *sigh*

And he has a "girlfriend" so uh... straight ballerina farmer apparently?  Yay for a girl being allowed to dream!  ♥_♥

Hm.. I definitely have a thing for blatantly but-maybe-not-there's-still-hope gay men.  Colin?  Bradley?  Zachary Quinto**?  I'm looking at you!  ALLL of you!  So very intently.

I kind of miss the days when I used to think "Nooo he has a girlfriend!  We can never be!" rather than "Noooo he's a blatant homosexual!  Will I ever find happiness?"

*Oh GOD.  I only just found out his full name and I've fallen in love all over again! *swoons*
**/mostly Sylar - ZQ's more of a cutie pie than "HOLY CRAP I MUST DO HIM - IMMEDIATELY" ...LOL when I just wrote "immediately" I heard Philosopher's Stone Harry saying to Prof. McGon "We have to see Professor Dumbledore.. IMMEDIATELY".  Not sure I like where my head's at here if I'm thinking about wee bb Daniel Radcliffe in the same sentence as sexing up Sylar...

 I just wrote this epically long comment on nyxelestia 's journal and, as I read it through, I decided it was just revealing enough of me to warrant an entire post dedicated to it.

Well, dedicated to it and also the fantastic nyxelestia because her Writing Tip Page - and her fics - are genuinely brilliant.


Ici la comment:

I started writing my first fanfic today (YAY! for getting started) so went to your Writing Tip Page (I'd bookmarked it but hadn't read it yet) and it's SO GOOD!!

Really, really helpful - and I've only read the first page of entries so far!

My fic is a pretty cracky little number so the stuff on angst etc. isn't really helpful right now but I find all that stuff so interesting! And it helps me understand the angsty fics I've read in the past too which is also useful for my future writing. The stuff on plot was very useful for right now though! - I've always been awful at planning ahead in any aspect of my life so any help there is fantastic! I loved that article you shared about how "we always hurt the ones we love" - a bit worrying but so very true.

I forced myself to read the bit on cutting even though I feel really queasy now. I know this is like, "classic response that one feels stupid and kind of patronising in saying" but I need to say because I uh.. care? *awkward but genuine smile* - I hope you're OK now and it's very brave of you to've shared that *big hugs* It was very interesting too - I've only ever heard the somewhat cliched stories of 1. cuts 2. gets found out 3. calls parents into school. This is how all the cases I've read about and witnessed have gone so it's interesting to see another side to it (apologies for over-using the word "interesting" - it's an addiction it seems).

Reading all those entries actually made me feel a lot better about myself especially the part about signs and symptoms of depression. My doctors etc. have said I have depression but I never really believed them, thinking my illness wasn't a proper "thing" - I couldn't name it. I mean, I've started to believe it over the past few months, got over my denial or whatever it was but when I read your list there in sort of.. black and white it made me feel oddly comforted to know that I can relate and that it's actually a genuine thing and people aren't going to make fun of me for being weak.

The signs and symptoms distinction was definitely very helpful also for if I ever write something like that. Well, they say "write what you know" so maybe one day I'll write a character with depression - and now I'll be able to think "OK, so what are the signs people see as opposed to the symptoms my character feels?" IRL I'm always worrying about what people see in me and if they can tell if I'm ill etc. and I always go wayy OTT with it, thinking "OMG THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING - they're JUDGING me!!"

"Many mental illnesses involve a high degree of intelligence" - that just made me feel pretty good about myself. Many doctors have told me that in the past and I've been all "Psh! You're just trying to make me feel better - I'm STUPID. I can't even be normal. How is that intelligent?"

So yeah. Maybe my mental illness isn't one of those intelligent things but still.. maybe those doctors aren't the LIARS (albeit kind ones) I thought they were ;)

Phew! Sorry this is so incredibly long and contains so many unwarranted details about my life but uh... you helped me a lot and I wanted to thank you ^_^

P.S. I'm commenting on here because I don't have a blogger account - hope that's OK :)


Ici la comment a finis (my French is perhaps a little rusty)

OK. It's 2:50 am now so I'm going to be good and get some sleep :)

ETA:  It's now 5:43 am.  Still not sleeping.  Not that I even attempted.  The internet.  It's a DISEASEEEE.  But a very very lovely disease.  The kind I just adore.  Until they force me to stay awake until ridiculous times in the morning JKSDGKSHGADGLADKHGALD <- random typing = "GLAD" Hmmm.  I think this means more browsing this hilar Bradley/Colin Tinhat Thread...

 OK.  So just a wee update to say...

Today I plan on writing my first ever fanfic.  Ever.  Oh yes.

I've got it alllll (hem. vaguely) planned out.

...

Well I have a couple of ideas.

It'll most likely be PG-rated as not only would I write sexy sex awfully (I'm not very experienced in that field shall we say - I'd probably do OK from my prior "research" via other fics but it's just not the same.  I'd feel like a fraud, I tell you!  Fraud! - Cut to two weeks later with me posting the most explicit piece of man-on-man filth you've ever read... but that's two weeks from now so.. let's speak for the here and now, people) but I'd also feel so embarrassed and awkward doing it I'd want to... die from the pain or something.

So methinks kissing will be the most risque Cordelia gets on her first jolly round Fictown.  Or rather, first journey behind the scenes of Fictown.  I've been there plenty but now is the first time I'll actually get to see the scenes... behind them...?  Actually.. more like.. actually being the scenes.  Yes?  No?  I don't even understand this analogy any more.  Note to self: FIND A BETA.  Before I unleash this madness on the world in the form of something that's supposed to have some form of coherent plot.

...

Bye then for now!  Hopefully be here next with some crude form of Merlin fanfic to share....

Just to clarify: I mean "crude" here as in showing little finesse or subtlety and as a result unlikely to succeed NOT offensively coarse or rude, esp. in relation to sexual matters - we dealt with my views on that earlier (cheers to my dashboard dictionary for the lovely definitions there).

P.S. I was going to name this journal entry: "Let's Get This Show On The Road" however seeing as that's a phrase both my grandfather and mother are very fond of using, I felt it would not really be appropriate under the circs.

P.P.S. Happy February!

 

OK.  So thanks to zarathuse for having the idea for this AWESOME, HOTASS FEMALE CELEBS BEING AWESOME AND HOTASS. AND FEMALE!!! list!

I saw cherrybina 's one first though (clicky here to see hers) so I do in fact blame her for my being up at ungodly hours of the morning drooling over photos of my favourite famous females (alliteration. nicely done).  It's a good kind of blame though because I have a lot of girl crushes and compiling a picspam of awesome women is a pretty good use of my time even if it means staying up all night in the process.

( Click for some damned fine females - lots of photos )

...
You honestly do not want to know how long this post took me and my ridiculous perfectionistic mind to do.  Actually, I'm going to say anyway.  Well, I started at about 1 am?  Something like that.  And it is now 7:47 am.  Oh God.

I SWEAR I'm going to start being normal tomorrow.  I SWEAR.  Well.  I'll try very hard.

 I am so excited!

I just got back from CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - 3rd session) and going to the supermarket on my own for the first time!  Properly, anyway.  To get proper shopping.  Not like, a lone tub of Ben & Jerry's to drown my sorrows.

I bought goat's cheese (called 'Capricorn' - my star sign woo!), Brie, an iceberg lettuce, a pie for my mum, and I even asked the meat-cutting man (who smiled very nicely) for 10 slices of salami.  Also I bought (at last) the '(500) Days of Summer' DVD which, on returning to the car, Mum said she'll pay for seeing as I'm such a phenomenal human being.

All in all, a very successful trip.

I kept giggling to myself and feeling really self-conscious as I walked around, feeling SURE everyone knew I didn't have a clue what I was doing.  But I had such fun.  I felt so ~grown up~ :D  Well, I am a super-mature 18-year-old now.  These things have to be done.

Oh, what?  I haven't told you why I went shopping on my own?  Well, that brings me back to my CBT session.

I won't go into extraordinary detail (boring - even I CBA to read that) but basically Tara said that first I have two options.  One (the option which involves me going into school), do the cognitive side of things first (AKA mental - I kept saying "mental" instead of like.. "psychological" or something in our first session and she told me off for it.  Oh well.  I like the word mental.  And it is what cognitive means pretty much, right?).  So, the process would be a) look for the "trigger" eg. my English teacher asking why I wasn't in her lesson (and me interpreting that as "telling me off and hating me" even though... well, she's just asking), b) the "thoughts" - "Oh my God she thinks I'm rubbish, I am rubbish.  She doesn't understand, why can't I just be normal and go to lessons and do work and do my exam?", c) the "feelings" - upset, frustrated, depressed, etc, d) the "alternative" - realise that yes, she doesn't understand but it's fine so "look for evidence" of all the times I've succeeded in going to school, done well etc. etc. then I can be confident and not let what people say effect me.

However that plan is a lot harder than option two (which I'll explain in a sec) because it could result in me just going back to how I was (am), nothing changing - I've been stuck in my ways for so long, avoiding school, thinking I'm rubbish that it's very possible it won't work at all until I've started ~believing in myself~ (Tara calls it "self-efficacy" which I admit, sounds a lot less cheesy but.. I'm kind of fond of cheesy - and cheese in general if you look back at my shopping list above. heh. oh me) which is what option two will hopefully achieve.

Option two: do the behavioral side of things first which is what people usually do in this treatment (then followed by cognitive which is harder to do and more complicated mentally - option one was an option to do first just because I've been so adamant about going back to school and not having to re-do the year and that's what option two would probably involve).  This consists of doing things I don't find that daunting (normal, everyday things for most people but things I haven't been doing over the years because I've been ill and my family let me off because I've been so tired/depressed etc. - things that in reality are at zero on the "difficulty" spectrum whereas going to school and doing work would be at 10) which will build up my self-belief and make me realise I can do stuff.  "Don't run before you can walk" kind of thing.  So activities (heh. "activities") like getting up in the morning, not staying up all night (and generally "turning night into day" and vice versa like I have been doing - which is my way of avoiding school and going "LALALA I can't feel guilty about not doing work at night because I'm meant to be sleeping - and I won't have to go to school if I haven't slept so I'm not going" - yeah, my logic is ridiculous BUT IT GETS ME OUT OF GOING TO SCHOOL SO I STICK WITH IT.  Well, I did.  But not anymore I hope), doing a bit of exercise, make my own bed (I feel so guilty every time I get my mum to do it so that's such a relief to think I'll be doing it in future!), do the dishwasher, COOK A MEAL FOR MY FAMILY ON FRIDAY.  Gosh, I haven't cooked since before GCSE's.. well a bit since but only when mum's been out so I cook for Hermione (my sister) and me.  But even then, for the past year or so I haven't been making proper meals (like pasta etc. I'm not really that experienced TBH but I'm good at pasta), I've just been putting things in the oven.

Anyway, we decided that I'll go back to school in September to do English and Media but I'll go to my Photography lessons now because a) it's really easy and I'm not that daunted by it (full marks at AS for exam and coursework despite putting it all together in the last two days before deadline) and b) I'll get to see my friends, be sociable, feel comfortable in the school environment so I'll be able to cope and know it's not a frightening place.

Also Tara gave me a timetabley thing where I have to schedule loads of activities so I actually know I'll do them.  My getting up time, exercise (cross-trainer), my Photography lessons (although I plan to go to school for the whole day anyway most of the time so I can see everyone and just edit photos, read, write etc. in the 6th Form Centre) are on there now and I need to add more once I've finished writing this.

I'm so excited because just doing Photography and not having to worry about everything else means I can actually do some writing!  And I won't feel guilty in doing it because I don't have English or Media to do, sitting in the back of my mind murmuring "What are you doing?  You have work to do.."

SUCH A GOOD PLAN!!

 I've just discovered (via. gealach_ros ) Merlin's Keep and all the fabulous Merlin Promotional Photos they have to offer.

So I've been busy exploiting and abusing my (already very full) hard-drive, saving hundreds of fantastic high-resolution photographs - most of which I'd never seen before.  So gosh-darned exciting.

Although, question.  Has the UK Series 1 DVD box-set got ALL the extras on it?  Like, none hanging around elsewhere that I don't know about?  Because I don't know whether it's because it's been a couple of months since I watched the bonus features, but I keep seeing screen shots I really don't recognise.  It's making me panicky and jealous like I've seen my (very imaginary) boyfriend doing things.. morally questionable things.  WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT ME.

Great analogy there, Cordelia.  Real great.  *pats self on back*

Anyway, just a little... update there.

I'm going to my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist tomorrow (well, today - HOLY SMOKES IT'S 5AM ALREADY WHUUTTT) at 10:45.  Last week when I hadn't read the book she told me to get (still only on pg16 even now) she said it was fine if I didn't manage to do some things - we can work on even the things I don't do.  Like.. she can get things from that.  Some kind of psychological meaning.  Anyway, I'm really optimistic about this CBT lark and last week I went on our cross-trainer two days on the trot.  And considering I've done no proper exercise (using equipment and things) in about a year I was pretty impressed with myself.  Even if I did only go on for 10 minutes.  But it was on the highest setting.  Just saying.

BYE :D



Sleepytimes now methinks

Could someone please tell me how to do that thing where you link to someone's journal/a community?  With the little picture before it to tell you that it's a user/comm?

Like say I wanted to link to someone called cordeliasexample - hahah Cordelia Sex Ample  - I so want to make that account now!

OK, we'll go with cordeliasmarz:

"I just read this fic by cordeliasmarz and it was pretty rubbish if I'm honest.  I disagree with her opinions on Gaius.  He so isn't directly responsible for Morgana going all insane and I definitely don't think he should get killed off like soonish to pay for his sins."

or on Merlin Finders:

"Oh yeah!  I've read that fic!  It's by cordeliasexample (*snigger*)"


...
I planned this to be literally a one line plea for help but because I'm blatantly some kind of attention whore or something (either that or... IDK answers on a postcard please) I have no choice but to ramble at every. single. opportunity. - even if by doing so it could mean people ignore this post because it's too long to be bothered with.

Isn't it enough that spots make you look bad, why do they have to HURT too? UGH. I thought all my other health problems meant I didn't have to get spots? We had a DEAL, God! A DEEEAAALLLLL!! Ya hear me?? I know you're up there, I can hear you being all-powerful

In other news, I'm reeeeaalllyyy happy because in the last few days I've been staying up having late night conversations with people I don't usually talk to.  Witty people.

The principal participant being a girl called Elise who has been in my year forever and has always made me laugh loads but from.. afar.  I always thought I wasn't funny enough to be her friend because all I could do in her presence was laugh ridiculously and not really contribute.  Plus, we're in like, different circles of friends and.. well we've just never been "friends".  But us and someone called John who I've only met once.. I don't know if I've even spoken to him before?  Anyway, I don't remember how it started but we ended up talking on Facebook non-stop for 3 hours.  And it was really fun/funny.  You know those really hilarious late-night conversations that are stupid and ridiculous but make you laugh anyway?  I usually have those with my bestest darling Louise but we haven't been seeing much of one another lately :(

But let's not get sidetracked.

Basically I just wanted to commemorate this event because I had a lot of fun.  They kept saying things like "lol. coughing fit. and continued lol." and "My sore rib ached at that one Coco you should be proud" (there are better examples than that but CBA to trawl through 3 hours' worth of conversations right now).  And I was proud.  I was making people laugh.  Witty people who I actually felt accomplished in impressing.  I mean, I know this sounds really moronic but I get so happy when I make people laugh.  Because I'm too nervous a lot of the time to speak up in conversations with people face to face but over the internet I can just say whatever I want, you know?  It's... freeing.  And I'm often rather proud of some of the things I come out with.  I know I sound like a total vain idiot here but.. I truly am one of the most insecure people EVAR and if I'm proud of my self for.. whatever reason, I don't usually boast about it (not that this is boasting, it hardly warrants that!) but I've been feeling so low lately, it's nice to be appreciated sometimes.

Last night (from some time in the evening till 6 AM) I was talking to Elise and helping her with English revision and we were even talking about Merlin (my favourite topic of conversation obvs) despite the fact she's only ever watched it once and dismissed Colin as an odd, alien-lookin kid.  But then last night I showed her a Jethro photo and she deemed him "EL BABE HERE" (caps are necessary, I know) so I feel confident that I can convert anyone now.  Apart from my sister.  Who is irritating irritated by my obsession.  We've both been watching since The Beginning, giggling at the homoeroticism but now that I've started my "actually properly obsessed with it" thing, liking it for genuine reasons, she gets annoyed with me :(

Plus she refuses to acknowledge that Colin Morgan is adorable.

Which is ridiculous.

Because he is.  Awfully.

Anyway... I'd better finish up here.  Not much more to say..

Goodbye non-existent audience ^_^

I've been following Elin Jönsson's blog for quite a while now and she's so adorable ^_^

I think this is the first time I've heard her speak and her voice is so endearing I had to post it

I wish I could understand Swedish...

OK.  I'm feeling utterly and completely depressed right now.  I shouldn't let works of fiction get to me like this but the regrettable and unchangeable fact is... THEY DO.

So.  The reason for my being incomprehensibly miserable right now?

I just read the fic 'Drastically Redefining Protocal' by rageprufrock.

It was very Harry Potter-like in the way that it was absolutely and utterly perfect and epic and brilliant but when I got to the last book/EPILOGUE OF DOOM (or in this case, last two sequels) it made me want to simultaneously cry and punch things bitterly for the rest of my life.

Here is the comment I left on the last installment of the saga:


I really, really REALLY loved Drastically Redefining Protocol and I enjoyed the first two sequels but I really really hated this :(
I loved their happy ending in the first story and this ruined it.
It's like Harry Potter's epilogue all over again :'(
I'm so disappointed.

The original story was one of the most perfect things I've ever read and I loved it to bits - perfect ending, perfect everything - but to hear about all these utterly depressing parts of their lives was really horrible.
I wish I'd written a review/lengthy stream of compliments immediately after finishing the first story because it was my favourite Merlin fic EVER, without question and now with all this to think about I just can't go back to it with the amount of zeal I would've done.

Sorry if I make you feel bad with all this - not that I'm presumptuous enough to think "my opinion matters so much to everyone, I'll upset every person I criticise" - you are a brilliant writer and I don't want you to think for a second that I don't admire your fantastic skill (for lack of a better word - well, it is skill) but I felt that this story had enough hurt and suffering in it without adding more at the end when we (the readers) were still on a high from all the love and happiness of Arthur and Merlin's lives after marriage etc. - all the Vanity Fair loveliness.

Thank you so much for creating this universe so beautifully - sorry I had to comment on this too but needs must.

I still love you for stealing my heart with your fic but I'm mourning over the way you broke it too :'(



I suppose it's not absolutely necessary for me to be writing this post and I hope it doesn't seem bitchy of me because I'm not meaning to sound unkind here - I truly did love 'Drastically Redefining Protocol' - in fact, ridiculously so.  It was so perfect.  So perfect.  But... GOD.  If something has me feeling this emotional, I just have to discuss it (even if this "discussing" is one-sided and comprising simply of a lone LJ post).  And if it involves a subject I don't discuss with my friends/family (they might perceive reading Merlin/Arthur fic as a little strange - they already find my obsession with the show a bit weird) then I guess Livejournal is the place to do it.

P.S. Here's the link to the perfect, perfect, OHGODILOVEIT perfect original fic: http://www.glitterati.talkoncorners.net/drp/drp.html

And here's a link to the sequels: http://archiveofourown.org/series/211

They're excellent too but only read the last two if you don't mind your heart getting stamped on.

I nearly just dreadlocked (because "to dreadlock".. that's a verb) this chunk of my hair.

I got seriously panicky and stuff.

I was trying to decide what kind of time-wasting activity I could get involved in at 5am as I absently played with my hair and things got a bit... KNOTTY.

S'all cool now though so don't be alarmed.

I can go back to choosing Merlin eps to re-watch now..

P.S. Was just looking for a .gif to accompany this sad tale when I saw this:



Thought it was relevant enough to add. Heck, if it wasn't I'd MAKE it relevant, dammit!

In fact, I'd go so far as to create an entire post involving hair just so I could have a chance to post it.....

But seriously that's not what happened.

OR IS IT.



(It's not.)

My lavender deodorant smells like freaking lemon meringue pie.
What kind of messed-up freaks think that it's normal for armpits to smell like lemon meringue pie?
It's distracting if nothing else. I keep getting wafts of it.
Re: my telling this to LJ ~ this level of intimacy is essential for like.. survival and stuff. It's just fact. So deal with it before I go call God and tell him how bad and unaccepting you've been.

My internet just "closed down unexpectedly" so, unperturbed by this tiresomely regular occurrence, I did the old "Re-open All Windows from Last Session" dodge but then SHOCK HORROR GODDAMN before more than approximately 10 of my tabs had the time to register let alone load, the internet "closed down unexpectedly" again.

So now I've lost all of the fics I had up (of which there were A LOT - some of them having sat there for weeks waiting for me to bless them with the scrutiny of my brilliant mind at last).

And if I'm a TOUCH irritated by this it's because "this" happens ALTOGETHER TOO OFTEN FOR MY LIKING.
I could go back through my history to find it all but who can really be bothered with that kind of fumbling nonsense?  I won't even know what I'm looking for.  I suppose there's the whole "you can't miss what you never had" thing but I DID have them.  And so easily within reach.  Now I can't even remember them.  But I remember enough to know that a great percentage of the tabs contained beautiful shining gems of fic goodness.  Gems I may never see again now considering my lazy streak.

Maybe I should've learned my lesson by now.
Thought up some kind of system in which I just save fics I plan on reading instead of opening them in a different tab, lying there forgotten.
But HOWWWWW


I'm going to start using my http://delicious.com/cordeliasmarz account but I can't just save every fic I plan on reading.
It just isn't practical.
I don't always want to read things straight away but I don't want to actually save every little thing!

Grrrrrrr
Technology I love you but please stop being mean to me.  It's uncalled for.
Sure, I open wayy too many tabs for my own good but it's NECESSARY.
For the enjoyment of life.
Technology, do you want me to enjoy life?
WELL STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH THEN

I was just about to find a .gif to post here to cheer me up then I realised I didn't have my Photobucket page up anymore BECAUSE OF *insert this post here*

*mutter...*